Ground control to Major Tom, ground…

PREVIEW: The Invisible Man: The Remake – by Loves Labour’s Lost Theatre Group (July 2024 – to 2029?).

Showtime! stars rating: *

THERE was this joke which used to do the rounds when I was a child that went like this…

‘The Invisible Man wants to speak to you.” And the response: “Tell him I can’t see him!” 

Well, it was funny at the time. Mind you, I was only aged about eight or nine. Back then, my sense of humour wasn’t as highly sophisticated as it is now.

Anyway, this would have been a topical gag during the late 1950s, because in those days there was a TV series of that name about a chap who could vanish at will when circumstances demanded it.

Back then, shows like this were popular because of the obsession with science fiction, flying saucers, invasions from Outer Space, aliens living on Earth, and the generally paranoid techno hokum that characterised the post-war period.

Of course, all this was inspired by a climate produced by the Cold War era, when there was much hysteria revolving around the notion that hordes of Russians were poised to cross the English Channel at any moment to invade this country.

Very much like the current hysterical garbage being spread by the present government, in fact. Nothing changes.

Once again, as in the past, we must point out the following. And that is - what invader would want to find themselves stuck in an overpopulated, debt-ridden, polluted island in which no one talks to each other, the weather is beyond despair, and some people think Russell Howard is very funny? Not any Johnny Ruskies of my acquaintance, I’ll warrant.

Probably the worst of the manifestations of collective paranoia back in the 1950s was The Blob – not the Civil Service this time, I must point out – rather how a heap of super-intelligent, ever-expanding, mega-plop of blancmange poses a deadly threat after flopping down near a small Pennsylvanian town.

Two teenagers try to warn the adult populace, but no one listens to them. There again, why should they? After all, teenagers can only talk gibberish. And that’s a medical fact, as any doctor will tell you.

But if those townsfolk were that bothered, why on earth didn’t someone just stick a few glacier cherries in the whole thing, and just treat it as a dessert with attitude? That would have been the obvious solution, I would have thought.

However, we must return to the subject of The Invisible Man and his apparent return to… well, perhaps the word ‘prominence’ is over-egging the proverbial pudding somewhat.

So. Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, please put your hands together and give a great, big, whopping, massive Showtime! with John Phillpott welcome to Tom Collins, seemingly the latest incarnation of The Invisible Man.

Not that quite a few of you will know this, but Tom was elected The Honourable Member of Parliament for the city of Worcester in a general election last July that provided the Labour Party with two thirds of the seats in the Houses of Commons with a mere one third of the vote.

Now, maths was never my strong point, but even this refugee from the GCE year of 1965 can comprehend some kind of anomaly or conundrum at work here. Never mind.

One day I’ll try to fathom out how a minority can elect a majority. But that’s probably for another day, though only if my fingers can stand it.

But back to Tom. Over the last few months, I’ve come across quite a few people who have made unkind comments in response to stories in the local Press, alleging that ‘their’ MP hasn’t been as attentive as he might have been, not replying to numerous emails, that sort of horrible smear.

Of course, there is absolutely no proof at all that this is the case, other than the word of the plaintiffs. And as we know, the vast majority of newspaper commenters are terminal morons with a mental, reading, writing age of four- and-three-quarters, and with the brain dimensions of a termite.

But mud can stick, can’t it? And I should know, having written a newspaper column for 22 years without a break, until it was stopped in 2018 after a prolonged editor-nobbling campaign by Worcester Labour Party.

And yet, with hand on heart, I can say without fear or favour that I never once said anything unkind or derogatory about any politician who supported many of the wise and intelligent decisions that were undoubtedly made in those days.

But perhaps I was in a minority. Because there were people who dissented, obviously far right-wing extremist thugs who, for example, complained about that brilliant Labour idea to replace Worcester’s ugly Cripplegate Park with a supermarket, thereby covering of all that useless (waste of) green space so-called amenity with concrete, plastic and 24/7 lighting. Talk about an opportunity missed.

As government ministers San and Tray said, who in their right mind cares or wants to see loads of silly-billy bats and nincompoop newts and… yeah stuff, know what I mean? Come on people, get real – let’s buy one, get one free.

Hey! Clear off all you wildlife, find somewhere else to cover with your smelly droppings.

Hang on, did I say something a while back about never having said anything critical about politicians? Erm, just hang on a minute please, dear reader. I’m experiencing something wrong with my nose. It seems to be growing…

However, to get back on track, the main complaints about Tom in the local Press do indeed seem to revolve around his alleged reticence in replying to people.

So, bearing in mind I’m one the fairest chaps to whom God ever granted breath, I decided to put this to the test by inviting him to comment on a Showtime! article about the escalating crisis faced by Nature in Britain.

Sure enough, a ‘thanks for your message’ email banged back – but no subsequent reply was forthcoming, and the days became weeks. Nothing materialised. Where are you, Tom?

A bit later on, I wrote to Tom at the behest of The Friends of the Earth organisation. The same thing happened – an acknowledgement note by email, but no actual reply addressing my concerns. Er, Tom?

After a few more weeks had elapsed, I sent him another letter, once again about the depletion of the natural world. This is now seriously under threat because of Labour’s plans to deregulate the planning system, thereby allowing developers to build where the hell they like, and also because of Miliband’s bizarre obsession with plastering perfectly good, food-producing farmland with Chinese-made solar panels.

The latter concern, I should point out, is my own, and is not a view necessarily shared by Friends of the Earth. But where’s that reply? Tom…. cooo-ey!

So - Tom. There is, consequently, only one conclusion I can draw from your apparent shyness and shrinking violet persona. And that is, like so many of your honourable friends who are paid a pittance, perhaps you just don’t have the spare time to respond, because you have been obliged to take on a second job in showbusiness… to wit, that of an ambitious remake of the vintage hit series The Invisible Man.

Hopefully, it will be shot in retro black and white, a suitable medium for Labour politicians, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Mind you, I doubt that very few people would welcome a re-run of the corny old gag mentioned at the beginning of this piece. For notwithstanding the subject matter, that would indeed be a sight for sore eyes. Even if it were possible, of course.

Oh yes, and one other thing, Tom. I can provide you with the precise dates I sent my three unanswered messages, should you be interested. Let me know when I should start holding my breath.

Footnote: The Invisible Man (later known as H G Wells’ Invisible Man) was a British black and white science fiction television series that aired on ITV. It ran from September 1958 to July 1959, on CBS in the USA, for two seasons of 26 one-half-hour episodes. This series was loosely inspired by the 1897 novel written H G Wells and – please note - not by Worcester Labour Party. As far as I know, that is.