It’s pants but no pants for the memory

WHAT I wouldn’t give for just a bit of good news. The daily, almost laughable hopelessness of the Starmer regime, Mandelson caught with his trousers down (literally, OMG that photograph on telly!), the world on the brink of World War Three and - worst of all - the fact that there’s been no decent storyline in Coronation Street for ages.

I don’t know what’s worse. Mandelson snapped in his underwear or the sight of the Street’s Todd Grimshaw’s pathetic whimpering as control freak boyfriend Theo continues to make his life an utter misery.

No, hang on a sec. I know what’s worse. Clue – starts with ‘Y’ and ends in ‘fronts’. Yes… definitely a lot worse.

But we must, however, accept that there are some things in life over which one has no control. For example, as much as I’d like Rachel Reeves to have elocution lessons, even if I paid for them, she probably wouldn’t attend, what with being tied up finding ever-new ways of persecuting older people.

And then there’s my present and ongoing dispute with a major travel company. I’d like some resolution to this particular problem but probably won’t get it. That just leaves vengeance, of course. A dish best served cold.

So, as it’s usually not possible to do anything about the issues that make the banner headlines, it’s probably best if we channel our concern in the direction of the smaller things that nonetheless are very important to the people affected.

Take the decline in the retail sector. Most weeks we hear of yet another shop going under and the other day was no exception when I heard that Plot Twist Books of Friar Street, Worcester is to close at the end of March.

As I’ve had a few copies of my book Go and Make the Tea, Boy! with proprietor Sara Cooper, I braved this week’s relentless rain and popped into the shop to express my regrets that yet another worthwhile venture had seemingly reached the end of the line.

The smaller independent book shops do appear to be struggling these days. Towards the end of last year, I staged a couple of all-day busking sessions to raise funds for Script Haven, which not only sells books and hot drinks, but also provides an outlet for writers, poets and musicians who perhaps wouldn’t ordinarily be given a platform.

Not yet two years old, Script Haven has been a breath of fresh air blowing down the Worcester High Street. We must hope that 2026 will see a welcome upturn in its fortunes.

One of the problems that the smaller operators must contend with is unfair competition. Most, if not all, of the charity shops that have proliferated in the British High Street over the last few years sell books, yet their overheads – such as business rates - will be far less than that extracted from shops which don’t enjoy charitable status.

The worst offender is without doubt Oxfam, a charity that has been a book shop in all but name for years. Some branches even have antiquarian sections with the prices to match.

And have you noticed? They all seem to be staffed by snooty types with faces like slapped backsides, imperiously looking down at you over wire-rimmed spectacles like you’re something stuck to the sole of their shoe.

Talking of Oxfam, it’s also hard not to banish from one’s mind the sexual exploitation of women in Haiti scandal back in 2019. All right, Oxfam GB said it was ‘deeply sorry’ for its failure to prevent sexual abuse by its former staff in that Caribbean country, but mud does have this tendency to linger, if not stick.

So, it’s not just a case of unfair competition. It’s sickening hypocrisy, too. But you’ll never find a politician of any colour raising, let alone pressing this point, certain cows being sacred and all that.

However, I must admit I’m biased. Being a retired journalist with inside knowledge of the species, I loathe most politicians. Some more than others, mind you. The only one left who will still speak to me these days is Louis 'Lentils Eater' Stephen, so he's without doubt a dashed good egg, an exception to the rule.

Moreover, there are the continual rises in business rates, energy costs, employers’ national insurance contributions, minimum wage increases, the growth of online shopping and last – but certainly not least – the sheer array of different media now competing for the public’s attention as far as the written word is concerned.

So what can one do? Probably not a great deal, other than to support your local business where possible. But it will be a sad day in this statist, shrinking, globalised world when the smaller operator is finally crowded out by a combination of unfair trading, politicians’ inertia and public apathy.

Ah well, it’s time to switch on the telly and see what’s making the news. I’m probably immune to most horror stories by now, but please, please, please… no more shots of Mandelson in his underwear. Thank you.

• For more examples of literary irreverence in this depressing age of reverence and sheep-like compliance, try reading my book Go and Make the Tea, Boy! available (still, just about) in the smaller bookshops or online.